Too Long…

What a year it has been. I’m currently really glad I am not a celebrity as they all seem to be vanishing so quickly and with no real explanation. I still cannot believe some of those who have been taken this year.

I’ve not blogged in a while for a million and one reasons but my New Year’s resolution is to get back into writing my observations from the view of a plus size girl in this image obsessed world as well as to keep a more positive mindset. I don’t want to set the typical ‘to lose weight’ one or ‘to get fit’ or ‘give up smoking or alcohol’ ‘get a new job’ I’ve never really understood why a person wants to wait until the new year? If you aren’t happy anytime is a good time to proceed and make a change why wait for the year to change to make it happen? Start as you mean to go on I get there but if you commence the New Year with the monster of all hangovers then surely getting fit, giving up smoking or drinking or even losing weight will seem even more impossible and if you start badly some people give up instantly! Moderation if you ask me.. But blogging more, taking more photo’s (not necessarily selfie’s) are all such a good idea. Perhaps making others smile or agreeing to meet with friends once a month are all so much nicer and achievable?

Given all that has happened in the last 12 months I’ve come to realise that sometimes we have to really follow everything we believe is right for us. I’ve been so angry with the world. The Ex Mr was sentenced to 4 years imprisonment after he was convicted of counterfeit when he was printing Scottish £ notes in an attempt to earn money. How I managed to get caught up in all of that is a revelation in itself but when you are in the middle of a situation you can be blinded by everything. I had no idea how much of an emotionally draining and abusive relationship I was in, I couldn’t see it. I was so convinced that he was right and was looking out for me that why would I suspect anything? I’d wear certain clothes but get told to change them because they were ‘too revealing’ why would I need to do that if my partner really loved me? Surely he should realise that no matter what I was wearing I was still returning to him so what did it matter if my top showed a little cleavage?  Towards the end of me and him it got worse though. I’ve since discovered he was cheating on me in those last months but in fairness I wasn’t looking for it and nor did I care. He had done such a number on me I was passed bothered about anything that may make me feel worse. It came to a head though when he took off again from the flat with no word except a letter left on the side saying ‘sorry I ruined your life, Goodbye’. Now given his mental health and previous suicide attempts when I tried to leave before and despite me telling him to get the hell out he hadn’t. HE had said on previous occasions that he was going to ‘the office’ (a place where he was doing some freelance work in the town) and stayed on the sofa when in actual fact he was with his next chick. I called the police on this latest note and left them to deal with him. We had had an argument earlier in the day but I’d left to help out with my Dad’s dog and it gave him peace and me space too. I explained everything to the officers who told me not to get involved and that it was all over with etc. I didn’t have to essentially worry as he was being treated as a missing ‘vulnerable’ person. and it would go on from there.

In their search for him the police broke in to the office and because he had refused to answer their calls etc and given his past this was justified. So when he turns up the next day at the ‘office’ without a clue of the drama he’s obviously told not to return there etc and in that even cut me off from the only people in the area as he only knew the business because of me! HE had ME arrested when he accused me of assault – he had pushed me against the door bruising my back, scratched my face grabbing the phone off of me and caused me so many problems mentally I was like a punching bag for his crap! Whilst I was in custody providing examples of everything the loser was back at the flat emptying it of all my things like an apple macbook air, some money, jewellery (which his new girlfriend has), left all the windows to the flat wide open so Jesse could have escaped, as well as smashing up loads of things. He left lots of sentimental stuff behind like snowglobes for a child he had had with an ex who had passed minutes after being born, all his other kids photos etc whilst then telling the kids that I had all their Christmas presents. What a charmer.

He was all round bad news. Thing is though, that at the time you cannot see it can you? You believe that they don’t mean it and it’s a glitch, it must have been something I had done to cause him to flip his lid like that.

He had signed me up to websites and was inviting  strange men over in an attempt to persuade me to sleep with them while he watched and when I didn’t and wouldn’t I would get called all kinds of names. It’s all the little things that go on. I know now that it was all kinds of abuse but at the time it was just my life and I had chosen it. I couldn’t go to family because they had all been so nasty and cut me off, my Dad and brother were the only contact I had and he made contacting them a problem.

All the while his trial for counterfeit was going on and every time he got to be out of his ‘normal’ mind he would blame it on PTSD and that he had been bullied and threatened into printing the money. It appears obvious now that he was possibly the one who was the mastermind behind it all.

I guess hindsight is a wonderful thing I know that. But the damage caused can never be undone. Not in a few days, months, years or decades. It cannot be undone.. It’s left scars and deep ones at that….

It’s Been A While But…

Hi there. It’s surprising how many blogs I’ve begun with an apology for the delay in blogging but I’ve literally been so under the learning curve rope that I have simply lost track! However, I thought I would return today with a bit of a bang! Loving life and some of the influential things I’ve seen on Twitter and Facebook lately, supporting the curvier group  of people out there. I’ve been reading many posts and blogs about weight loss struggles including the use of instagram and Facebook Pages detailing the daily struggle of food challenges and exercise, photo’s of before and after their struggles to “fit in” with what they think is the norm. I’ve yet to read a blog that inspires me enough that they are actually doing that to better themselves, to make them feel healthier!

Now almost 2 years ago I had a bad accident at a place I was working. I managed to slip down 14 concrete steps in a GP surgery resulting in a couple of prolapsed discs and a very painful knee. When I first sought help I was constantly told that the problem would resolve if I lost some weight. I wanted to hit someone! What did my weight have to do with the fall??? Here’s the dilemma. If I hadn’t been as ‘big’ as I was it’s very likely that I would have done MORE damage, yet being as ‘big’ as I am I possibly did more damage! How do you work round that one?! I’ve faced many struggles since that accident as well as generally. I’ve been on a lot of medication which has enabled me to go to the gym in an attempt to strengthen my back but of late those meds haven’t worked. In addition to that in just over a week’s time I will FINALLY be going to hospital for surgery in an attempt to get my leg back to normal (it’s currently about 5cm bigger than the other due to swelling). Anyway, I thought I would share with you MY BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURE.

My ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures.  

sort of ‘inbetween’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I started to lose some weight recently after I joined the gym, drinking lots of water and eating much better. Living on a tight budget does make eating healthy so much harder! Some fruit and healthy products are so expensive, but we all have to make sacrifices. I lost this weight after my “amazing” family felt the need to point out that my image was an issue, however given that they could only call me fat made me feel a bit better, especially as the things I could call them would fit on an A2 piece of paper!! I wanted to prove to myself that I have control of my life and that name calling doesn’t bother me. I’ve dealt with being called ‘fatty’ and being told to ‘go and eat another McDonalds’ since I was about 13. I lost my mum when I was 12 years old and I guess I comfort ate, but it’s not an excuse is it? I’m MUCH happier now than I’ve been in many years. I’m working on the relationship with my Dad and my brother with them it’s difficult but we are getting there! I’ve stopped contact with the others simply because it was doing me no favours remaining in contact with them, but it does hurt. I miss some of the crazy things that used to happen but I’m so glad not to be the ‘wallet’ to them all anymore.

The Mr has been fabulous. He is struggling a little bit as his weight has escalated and he is really unhappy with his image. I’ve told him I still love him and I always will, but his self esteem needs to come from within. A lesson I’ve learned in life and one I wish I could teach to others. I’m still the same person, still wanting to make others welcome, encouraging others to be more confidant and to enjoy life! I arranged a birthday event for a friend recently, it was actually a few friends but one dropped out (I’m not entirely sure what happened there) and it went down a storm. I hit the pound shop and got some glow stick glasses and headbands, badges with ‘birthday girl’ on them, a birthday cake that kind of thing! It went REALLY REALLY well. I know it might sound silly but these small things can make such a difference. I even got bubbles and was blowing them around in the pub!   It was so much fun. We laughed and enjoyed it. That is what life is all about! I can’t wait until tomorrow, I’m looking forward to psychic circle developing skills and just the social part of meeting new people! I need to be more social actually. I keep picking the wrong people at the moment. I’ve been having a tough time. I trusted a person who has thrown their friendship in my face, it’s really knocked my personal confidence and I feel like I have been pushed back to a place I don’t want to go again.

Perfect! xx

Everyone struggles in life, everyone has a story to tell. The only way we get through it is by focusing on the good things and getting out there and facing the challenges. Blow the obstacles in the way and treat them as an experience and learn from them rather than hate them. Yes it’s a madness and sometimes we struggle to get through them but with a good circle of friends and love, anything is possible. We show those struggling that they are not alone and that they can trust us, that to be trusted is an honour but I can only do so if I am allowed to help. Yes, I heard some of this on a TV programme Penny Dreadful, but I heard it and loved it. How wrong can one be? We need to make the best of what we have, we only get on shot at this it’s not worth feeling rubbish most of the time, have a couple of bad days, have a few mad days but just remember that sometimes things are always simple……. just be yourself and don’t sway from that ever. Don’t let some small minded people put you down. The chances are they are feeling crap about themselves and need to pass it on to others. If you are happy as you are then keep yourself happy. IF you aren’t happy then change it. Sometimes it’s a hard choice but treat it like an obstacle in your life and something you need to get passed to be able to live your life YOUR way!

Much love for now….

CG xxx

Life Goes On Regardless Of What Is Thrown At You

Okay so things have been beyond hectic and beyond frustrating and spiteful. I’m slightly concerned at present that my disgusting family may have discovered my blog and are following my life events on here so it’s likely I will either need to move my site to something else or be less personal. The problem with a blog is that it needs to be personal to remain a sort of thing people want to read…. So what do I do?!

I managed to burn my hand this evening so it’s a bit sore as I sit here typing this current update. I won’t go into too much detail about what’s happened, but needless to say it’s not been pretty. A lot of accusations have been flying around with comments made that have no background support and some mud slinging which is just pathetic, unfortunately that’s my ‘family’ for you. I have a dead beat uncle with 2 sons, 1 who thinks he is the mutt’s nuts when in actual fact he is just a jumped up nothing who will hopefully soon meet his match that will knock him down to his real level. The other son doesn’t really need mentioning his life revolves around football, his mouth gets laity but only because he has daddy to back him up. The Uncle wouldn’t know a hard day’s work and makes the families on Benefits Street look like hard workers, trust me!! How he gets by I will never know, actually I do but perhaps that’s one I should leave for now. The Aunt married to this Uncle, doesn’t work either, she sort of potters about not doing too much she has an excuse in that she has quite a serious injury although technically she could quite easily work some kind of office job I just think they like the cushy life they have handed to them! I had to call them the other day to ‘sort this out’ after I posted something about them bullying me and not having the balls to contact me despite giving them my number. I was annoyed when I called and the Aunt had the cheek to call me ‘darling’ and the Uncle wanted to call me ‘mate’. He brought things up from 3 years ago when I went out on NYE with the other Aunt I was close to at the time for an Indian and he seemed put out that I’d done that! Well, given that she made an effort to want to go out and not tell me how to run my life, or  judge my every move it’s hardly shocking I tended to bond with her more than him. I’ve never been a football fan so the things I have in common with this group is pretty minimal. I’ve always wanted to work with people and given that is what I’m doing I don’t quite grasp why they all of a sudden feel the need to put me down. Especially when the Aunt’s family cannot stand my Uncle’s family (also mine) for heaps of reasons. However; this is completely allowed! This has become a problem because one of the boys was sleeping with his girlfriend BEFORE she was 16 years old. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been a teenager and I was a bit older before I went that far, but needless to say that this hasn’t gone down very well…. They say the truth hurts and I’m guessing it really has. I mean when looking at this it seems like a jealousy thing, but had this Uncle perhaps made more effort perhaps I may have tried a bit harder to make more time for him, I mean at one point I did for the Aunt (my dad’s sister) and the other Uncle (my dad’s OTHER brother) so I’m sure I could have made time for him had I not felt odd about it….

This particular group have been send pretty spiteful things to me, like being alone in life, little more than a druggie or suffering with psychological issues, and that I have no friends in my life.  Wouldn’t mind but given that the Uncle also sent the Mr disturbing messages accusing me of having a fling in Turkey before getting my boobs out in Croydon. Funniest part of that is that I only really went to Croydon immediately after work which normally meant my car was there, or on the rare occasion I was with my cousins! How wrong can some people be. There’s little point in correcting their bad information it’s futile, they have already made up their minds so I think I will crack on with what I know I have, I mean I have a lot of friends to play catch up with, we are all out Friday night for another spiritual healing, plus in a couple of week we are heading for some private land with a cabin for some away time which is going to be amazing! I will definitely get some photo’s.

The Mr currently has the desire to purchase a drone, this is a flying camera which can be controlled via an iPad or phone. Well, today I managed to treat us both to a 4G iPad Air which was a nice little bonus, but I guess hard work pays off huh? Still nice to be rewarded for good work! The Mr is hard at work with the website stuff and the brochures so America is definitely a possibility this year! I swear if we make it to Vegas I’m hitting the cheesy chapel for a wedding just to have a story to tell hehehehe.

I been wearing some new clothes to work this week, lots of bright colours, especially pinks and purples, it’s amazing how much a colour can change your mood as well as others?! I heard somewhere that wearing red can be a bad thing as it seems to put people in a  bit of an odd mood, luckily I think red isn’t my colour! I’m getting the barnet sorted on Friday which is awesome. It’s been a while since I had it done, but I don’t mind, it’s a treat now to have it done! With the fact I now go to a clean salon and my hair is so much nicer I’m pleased with the choice I made to visit this lady, she is pretty bloody brilliant.

Awesome!

 

Since seeing this image every time I see my friends we call each other awesome. I have a variety of friends, all of different shapes and sizes and our images never come into our friendship ever. We are who we are and we don’t judge, I know that I can contact anyone of my small group of friends and they will be there for me, what else do I need in life? Yes I’ve had a bad time with my family, but most people have stories about their families and as the saying goes, you can’t pick your family, but I’m just pleased my choices in friends is up there as amazing, because I am very, VERY lucky to have the friends in my life that I do. I’ve had to make choices in life that others may never have to make ever, I’m stronger than I was a week ago and I have my friends to remind me of that! My psychic circle has given me confidence lately to get me through, I keep being told I have a gift in terms of psychic abilities, some might say that makes me crazy but I just absorb what I see. I can read tarot cards, angel cards and oracle cards and I’m now trying to learn about palm reading. Palm reading is based more around science and what you can see in the lines of the hands, the shape of the hands that kind of thing it’s a constant learning curve I am told but we shall see how far I can go with that one….

In the mean time my lovelies, I hope you are all well and are enjoying my ongoing posts.

Curvy girl xXx