Too Long…

What a year it has been. I’m currently really glad I am not a celebrity as they all seem to be vanishing so quickly and with no real explanation. I still cannot believe some of those who have been taken this year.

I’ve not blogged in a while for a million and one reasons but my New Year’s resolution is to get back into writing my observations from the view of a plus size girl in this image obsessed world as well as to keep a more positive mindset. I don’t want to set the typical ‘to lose weight’ one or ‘to get fit’ or ‘give up smoking or alcohol’ ‘get a new job’ I’ve never really understood why a person wants to wait until the new year? If you aren’t happy anytime is a good time to proceed and make a change why wait for the year to change to make it happen? Start as you mean to go on I get there but if you commence the New Year with the monster of all hangovers then surely getting fit, giving up smoking or drinking or even losing weight will seem even more impossible and if you start badly some people give up instantly! Moderation if you ask me.. But blogging more, taking more photo’s (not necessarily selfie’s) are all such a good idea. Perhaps making others smile or agreeing to meet with friends once a month are all so much nicer and achievable?

Given all that has happened in the last 12 months I’ve come to realise that sometimes we have to really follow everything we believe is right for us. I’ve been so angry with the world. The Ex Mr was sentenced to 4 years imprisonment after he was convicted of counterfeit when he was printing Scottish £ notes in an attempt to earn money. How I managed to get caught up in all of that is a revelation in itself but when you are in the middle of a situation you can be blinded by everything. I had no idea how much of an emotionally draining and abusive relationship I was in, I couldn’t see it. I was so convinced that he was right and was looking out for me that why would I suspect anything? I’d wear certain clothes but get told to change them because they were ‘too revealing’ why would I need to do that if my partner really loved me? Surely he should realise that no matter what I was wearing I was still returning to him so what did it matter if my top showed a little cleavage?  Towards the end of me and him it got worse though. I’ve since discovered he was cheating on me in those last months but in fairness I wasn’t looking for it and nor did I care. He had done such a number on me I was passed bothered about anything that may make me feel worse. It came to a head though when he took off again from the flat with no word except a letter left on the side saying ‘sorry I ruined your life, Goodbye’. Now given his mental health and previous suicide attempts when I tried to leave before and despite me telling him to get the hell out he hadn’t. HE had said on previous occasions that he was going to ‘the office’ (a place where he was doing some freelance work in the town) and stayed on the sofa when in actual fact he was with his next chick. I called the police on this latest note and left them to deal with him. We had had an argument earlier in the day but I’d left to help out with my Dad’s dog and it gave him peace and me space too. I explained everything to the officers who told me not to get involved and that it was all over with etc. I didn’t have to essentially worry as he was being treated as a missing ‘vulnerable’ person. and it would go on from there.

In their search for him the police broke in to the office and because he had refused to answer their calls etc and given his past this was justified. So when he turns up the next day at the ‘office’ without a clue of the drama he’s obviously told not to return there etc and in that even cut me off from the only people in the area as he only knew the business because of me! HE had ME arrested when he accused me of assault – he had pushed me against the door bruising my back, scratched my face grabbing the phone off of me and caused me so many problems mentally I was like a punching bag for his crap! Whilst I was in custody providing examples of everything the loser was back at the flat emptying it of all my things like an apple macbook air, some money, jewellery (which his new girlfriend has), left all the windows to the flat wide open so Jesse could have escaped, as well as smashing up loads of things. He left lots of sentimental stuff behind like snowglobes for a child he had had with an ex who had passed minutes after being born, all his other kids photos etc whilst then telling the kids that I had all their Christmas presents. What a charmer.

He was all round bad news. Thing is though, that at the time you cannot see it can you? You believe that they don’t mean it and it’s a glitch, it must have been something I had done to cause him to flip his lid like that.

He had signed me up to websites and was inviting  strange men over in an attempt to persuade me to sleep with them while he watched and when I didn’t and wouldn’t I would get called all kinds of names. It’s all the little things that go on. I know now that it was all kinds of abuse but at the time it was just my life and I had chosen it. I couldn’t go to family because they had all been so nasty and cut me off, my Dad and brother were the only contact I had and he made contacting them a problem.

All the while his trial for counterfeit was going on and every time he got to be out of his ‘normal’ mind he would blame it on PTSD and that he had been bullied and threatened into printing the money. It appears obvious now that he was possibly the one who was the mastermind behind it all.

I guess hindsight is a wonderful thing I know that. But the damage caused can never be undone. Not in a few days, months, years or decades. It cannot be undone.. It’s left scars and deep ones at that….

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