So, last week was a massive mixture of emotional draining and upheaval, this week has started relatively well in comparison. Firstly I managed to vent all my frustration at a therapy session and today I got to have a work out at the gym. I was so proud of myself for actually making it that I feel energised to attempt to continue along this new pathway! I’m going to get up early tomorrow and get to the gym before it opens, I need to do that as I need to get to an apple store for a phone replacement, bloody technology is a nightmare at times. I’ve also been trying to build up my ‘audience’ or fans on Facebook in order to spread the word about being a plus size and/or curvy girl in this world.
As I’ve expressed previously I’m not advocating that a person should be plus size with a lot of unhealthy eating or no exercise, I’m guilty of both but am of the opinion things have to change. I’m not living a dream world thinking I will be a teeny tiny size 8 in fact I think my dream dress size is a 14. I am a tad unhappy with my current size. I’m struggling to fit into my current clothes and I’m not about to go out and spend a small fortune on new ones when I merely need to be a bit more mindful of what I’m eating and taking some time out to exercise. I’ve a plan in mind to tone up quickly, I’ve a lot of wobbly bits I’m not comfortable with. The Mr loves me just the way I am, so this is about me. I know that some might believe this is coming on the back of all the aggression I had faced last week from family members, but the truth is it’s merely given me a shove in the right direction! I have to do this for me. I’ve been called fat since I was 12 years old, it’s nothing new to me I guess it just hurts a bit more now my family relatives are saying these things also. I’m ashamed of my family tree if I am honest, utterly disgraced by them, they offend me in being my flesh and blood. I would never call someone names like that, everyone has a story to tell my downfall has always been food, I unfortunately turned to food when my mum died and steadily gained weight until it reached unacceptable levels. I’ve since struggled to get my sizes and shape down. I’ve gone from being a size 26-28 to a size 18-20 so I should be proud of myself, I guess it’s just that my aunt told me that I’d already failed once at it so why would things change now? Spiteful cow I guess. I’m guessing this says more about her than about me but all the same I am still hurt by what has happened.
Don’t misunderstand me when I say I’m making changes to my body, I’m happy to be of the bigger build, the plus size girl, but I need to do so feeling confident and I’m not confident at the moment! I want to make some drastic changes, I’ve been blonde for the majority of my life and I’m seriously considering going brunette in an attempt to make myself feel better! I have a huge confidence problem at the moment and I need to do something to lift it somehow. I’ve reconnected with my spiritual side in that I feel like I have a connection to something else, I practice with tarot cards, drawing cards and reading them. I collect crystals and believe them to have healing abilities. I’m not psychotic or mad I just need to have an outlet of some kind. It’s helped immensely in my pursuit of a happier person, I feel confident in that I’m meeting new people and boosting my own abilities I’m just not confident as myself.
It’s awful to discover it’s my family that have knocked me back so much, perhaps that’s why it’s been knocked quite so severely, I mean if it was a complete stranger I wouldn’t be so bothered because in simple terms the chances of me meeting them again is quite slim! I’ve no intention of speaking to my relatives there seems little point at this stage as I’m sure it will be more mud slinging then hanging up! Anyway, I sent them my number and they haven’t bothered to call, my guessing is that they are just full of hot air and I need to remember that from now on. I need to learn to love myself and get fit for myself. I want to be confident enough to pose for pictures like the woman in the picture above and right now I’m not content to do so. The woman in the picture has a lovely figure. She’s not all skin and bone and she is soft and feminine in my opinion. I love women like Claire Richards and Gemma Collins they are great role models for the plus size figures. That Josie from Big Brother annoys me. She was quite a big girl then got teased about a picture of her in a bikini she lost loads of weight and is now always commenting about the bigger girls not caring about themselves and as a result they didn’t care what they looked like. She appears in magazines every couple of weeks with a story about being scared to put weight on, she even split with her fella at one point because he found her overexercising addiction a problem especially when they were on holiday, it was controlling it the whole time. It’s not right, people like her make her make the struggles as a plus size girl harder. Grrr.
Still, it’s only Tuesday and it’s started well for me, I’m hoping to keep this up for the rest of the week, I like the rush it gives me. I’ve been offered advice for nutrition as part of my membership and I think I might give it a shot! So here’s to a continuing positive week. Much love for now. CG xxx