So, it’s once again been a while since I last posted but to say it’s been “one of those weeks” wouldn’t even go anyway to covering the eventful week I’ve had. This post is likely to border on being quite a personal account of the happenings that have gone a long way in to destroying the confidence I’d rebuilt but without the account you might not grasp the full extent of the damage.
For a long time I’ve battled with being the bigger girl, the fat one, the chubster. I’ve battled my weight even gone into having surgery in an attempt to resolve those problems but the medications I take for my injuries all come with a huge warning of “possible weight gain” so I’m kind of on to a owing battle here. I’ve joined a gym to try and regain some control but if I am honest this all stems from the nastiness I’ve endured over the last week or so. I’ve been broken into pieces by some choice comments made by none other than family relatives. Lovely. So not only do I have to battle through against people I don’t know I now have to battle through against people that are supposed to care about me and love me regardless, I guess this is what you might call a psychologists dream role! I’m no text book case I assure you. Having had weight battles since before the passing of my mother, only to be brought up during my teenage years by my grandparents who thought that unless food was fried it wasn’t cooked and edible! I’ve been taught that bread and potatoes are the most filling of foods and unless eaten I will go hungry. I’ve been taught that frying bacon is the only way it tastes nice in a bacon butty yet despite all of this I’ve managed to survive until beyond my 30th birthday, my blood pressure is good, my cholesterol is not a problem it’s simply an image crisis.
Firstly, this ongoing argument I’ve had with one family member started on holiday in May 2012, over a newspaper. Yes a NEWSPAPER! My partner purchased one to have a read of by the pool and offered it to a couple that had joined us on vacation. The guy was an avid Chelsea fan and having had his team win the night before he was eager for news of the night before. My partner merely suggested it was there and my aunt took this to mean that she was being left out and consequently caused a row. This continued until after we got home when she built the story up in her head to be much bigger than it was, telling other relatives that my partner had continuously bullied her on vacation and made her holiday awful. What she neglected to tell them was the scene she made in one restaurant over dinner, the scene she made in another bar over the cost of the alcohol and the state she made of herself over a restaurant and bar owner. To the point that it was an embarrassing scenario to be in I assure you. Upon return, this aunt was invited to my Dad’s birthday originally she was not going to attend because of the run in we had had on return but she showed up in her usual state anyway, drunk. She was a meads. A nightmare. The whole day she stalked me and made my life a night mare until eventually she kicked off caused a fight and was removed from the house. Then became the issue with Facebook, every post I made she took to mean I was talking about her, paranoia something associated with alcoholics I’m told. Anyway, we did not speak I cut contact and that was that. Until last year when the Mr and I became late.
When the Mr asked me to marry him, I of course told everyone except her. So we began wedding venue shopping, looking for everyone else. Disabled access, places to smoke, easy to get to, everything to suit everyone else except what we wanted for us. It was our special day so why weren’t we doing things our way? Anyway, when things were going sour, my Nan was being strange and when I eventually asked her directly if she would attend even without this aunt would she go and was told no, but she would “see the pictures after”. The Mr saw red and told her that it wasn’t going to happen at all and left. That was in May 2013, since then things have just gone from bad to worse. I did email my Nan in September last year but I got no response, however she did decide to stalk the Mr on twitter and Facebook even going as far as sending him a message. My uncle became involved last September at a ‘big weekender’ at Butlins when he came up in to my face calling me a ‘skank’ and telling the Mr he wanted to rip his head off. Lovely. At no point did my Dad or brother step in! I point this out for a reason that will soon make sense. Now this man was not only the brother of my aunt but also my Dad’s brother, he is 50 years old and of the opinion that he knows everything when in actual fact what he knows about anything could fit nicely in a small book and with no desire to work he’s hardly an example of what real life is all about unless it’s living the high life at the expense of hardworking tax payers. I digress.
Last week was the anniversary of my Mum’s death now I’m always quite sensitive around that time and I know this has made it easier for them to get at me. So I discovered that my Uncle had again called me a skank and my ‘aunt’ had clearly aired her views on Facebook again resulting in some responses. To which I finally responded with my own opinion. I was then bombarded with messages to call my uncle immediately and ‘talk’s him. Upon telling him that I felt there was nothing to talk about he told me I didn’t have the balls to give him my number. He then called my Dad and tried to get him on side. Then came the more insulting messages from my aunt. A disgusting offensive woman. She decided to call me my old favourite ‘fat’ telling me I was lost and lonely and that I was a waste of tax payers money. She also told me that I should go back to my lonely life as HER family wouldn’t be entertaining my drama’s. It’s all quite nasty. I do feel bad about it all who wouldn’t? I’m only human and to have all this from family sometimes I wonder how I make it through every day with the insults from people I don’t even know.
I’ve yet to receive an apology about it all and I’m not holding my breathe, I think things might be over if I’m honest, bridges burned completely. I’m completely offended by it all, who wouldn’t be? I mean I suppose I should be glad they only had my image to insult that’s one thing to take away from it all I guess. I didn’t attend the gym as I had wanted to because I couldn’t get in for my induction as planned and then my eyes swelled up from stress and I wasn’t really able to go out without someone thinking I’d been in a fight which was not the case. I’m tired of having to fight everything. I hate being so negative. I’ve been trying to rebuild my life in so many ways since a vicious bitter woman got her claws in, a bitter twisted paranoid drunk to be exact. I’m disappointed in it all. Disappointed that my Dad hasn’t sorted this all out and told them where to go. It’s taken a comment of ‘her mother would be ashamed of her’ to gain a mini response. A report to the police has been made as the aunt started making nuisance phone calls to the house. My guess is the vodka isn’t flowing so freely. She’s moved away from home to a place she doesn’t know in an attempt to build something else but a woman who weaves lies as vast as this can only remain embroiled in BS for so long! I can’t wish for bad things to happen, or for karma to hurry up as it will only come back on me ten fold. I’m more than a little disappointed in everything and I need to leave this all behind and start tomorrow, Monday as a fresh start and a new week. I need to close all this negative off and start again, battle through it all AGAIN all because of some nasty comments. I’ve shut my Dad and my brother off for a while. They haven’t defended me once and have let this all go on for too long it’s not right. I can’t cope with them at the moment I feel a tad to vulnerable to be able to keep my firm stand against what I know to be true. If it means I have no family, then so be it. Maybe it’s a tough decision but perhaps the best one if only to keep my mind safe. I have some amazing friends and I know I can make new ones. I can better myself I know I can.
It’s not a negative post as such, it’s more of a mind dumping post so I can commence tomorrow with fresh eyes, fresh mind in becoming this person I know I can be. So what if there has been a glitch with these people. They aren’t really worth my time and if they want to say things like this then so be it. If they treat their flesh and blood like this I’m glad I’m away from that environment. I’ve had some massive changes to adapt to in the last 12 months from family and people I thought were good friends only to have them switch on me when I make decisions for myself. I’m going to be a better person, I’m going to become something even if it means some sacrifices along the way.
So here’s to a positive week starting tomorrow when I wake up! Here’s to a positive attitude and environment in making and meeting new friends. Signing off for now. CG xxx