So it’s been a while since my last post, I apologise but I didn’t think you would want to read my woes of suffering through a couple of intensely emotional days. Friday saw the 18th anniversary of my mum’s passing, I’ve never been to the crematorium so I went on Friday with some flowers and cried like a baby. I didn’t quite get around to talking to her there as it didn’t feel right, so when I got home I lit a candle and thought about her and what she might be doing wherever she might be. I’m a believer in all things psychic, from clairvoyant’s to tarot cards. I would never force my belief’s on to others but I would like for people to respect my choices. I’ve started to reconnect with that side of my mind again, I’ve been attending a psychic circle to work on my intuition and it seems to be going well so far anyway. I can read tarot cards although it needs some practice. I’ve been trying to learn angel cards as well. I’m working on the intuition and I like the comfort it gives me at the moment, in terms of dealing with my grief and the fact I am out socialising again! It’s been a while, but I love it. I spend time with like minded people and we all have a laugh while learning about auras and crystals, although I don’t really have much of a connection to crystals, nor is my aura reading fantastic!
Anyway, I’ve been out enjoying the weekend weather. I was on an advanced psychic course on Saturday but then I cuddled up with the Mr in the evening for movie night, this week it was “Rise of the Foot Solider” super graphic. I was horrified to learn it was based on a true story as well!! Scary. Yesterday (Sunday) I spent the majority of the day cleaning, doing washing that kind of thing, how mundane is that?! I guess it’s good to have those things going on because it reminds me that I’m lucky enough to be able to do them. I have to take my time because of my injuries, but for now I can do most of them!
Today was therapy day. Did I tell you I was attending therapy?…. Well it’s actually CBT or cognitive behavioural therapy, it basically tries to teach you how to look at memories or thoughts in a different light. To begin with I was hesitant to have faith in it but remarkably it’s been a huge help in dealing with the panic attacks I’ve recently been a victim of. I wouldn’t wish those on anybody, in the moment they are really scary and you just don’t seem to grasp what is going on, it is a very intense overwhelming sensation. I have a whole new respect for those who suffer with mental health issues and panic attacks. I’ve suffered with depression in the past, both because of the grief in losing my mum when I was 12 years old (suddenly), and then when I was unable to deal with how I saw myself, continually putting myself down etc. Mental health is massively unrecognised when it shouldn’t be. It’s a massive problem for both those suffering with the problem and for those living with people who suffer with mental health issues.
I discovered that part of my daily struggles is the fact I lack some kind of routine. I am currently unable to work owing to my injuries and I will be needing surgery to help me, but it will mean I need some intense physic so today I took the massive decision to join a gym. They have worked out a programme that will help me to lose some of the excess weight I am carrying and to try and strengthen my back and knee. It’s going to be hard but I’ve been told as long as I take it all very slowly I will get there without causing any further injuries, it will also help to prepare me for the surgery I will need to get my life back on track. I’m not expecting miracles but I will definitely keep you guys in the loop following my journey into the new me.
I have changed my thought processes lately and am now of the opinion that I can only be the best ‘me’ there is, I’m not going to fit into some kind of imaginary mould set by goodness knows who. I can only continue building my own destiny, focus on the positive things in my life and leave all the negative behind me. I’m bound to face negative somewhere but I have to be strong, face it, deal with it and move on passed it knowing that I WILL learn from the experience rather than dismissing it. It’s certainly a case of growing in confidence or at least a belief that I have confidence to get me through whatever is going to be thrown at me!
Since the change in weather I’ve discovered that my wardrobe needs a massive overhaul. I’ve really only got dark colours and I need to get a bit more involved with fashion, but with a tight budget I’m all ears for recommendations in simple updates to my wardrobe! I’m still in love with the Scarlett & Jo dresses by Evans, I’m also loving the few bits on yours clothing so I’m going to be having a mini spend this week to get me through the spring. I’ve also been looking at George, Matalan and more recently simply be clothing. Simply be is very similar to fashion world I’ve noticed, I’m convinced they are the same company but for some reason simply be looks different in places, how confusing is that. 😛 I’ve got my trainers to get me through and of course my flip flops but I’m not really supposed to wear those as they offer no support to my back whatsoever! So perhaps I should focus on my make up applications? I’ve been playing around with eye make up and how to apply it in an attempt to draw people’s eye away from my tummy and thighs, sometimes they look okay other times I look a but like a panda bear!
Anyway, I’ve not been reading that book and given that it’s getting late I thought I should possibly leave it there for now and I will possibly be back tomorrow with something new to discover and think about.
Signing off with Love CG xXx xXx