Well, here we go again. I’ve been away from the screen for far too long and it is totally unfair! I love blogging and I seem to have fallen off the wagon slightly. I can’t even pretend that I’ve been doing research because I haven’t, I’ve literally been trying to get through all this rubbish to find the positive side of what it going on. Now I know we have to go through the rough to appreciate the smooth, but come on, all at once? I’ve come to appreciate being the size I am because I have to, my latest motto is “if you’ve got it, flaunt it”. However this does come with limitations….. I can’t understand it when girls wear leggings that go see thru at the back with a short jumper, or nude leggings, I just can’t get by with these two things in life. Maybe if your partner wants to see this, then fabulous, I’m pleased for you, but PLEASE not when I’m out shopping for my weekly food shop or just out with the Mr having coffee!!! There’s a limit and this crosses it. This isn’t just about the bigger, curvier women, this goes for ALL women.
I’m not a huge fan of PDA’s (public display of affection) either, this is something that can be very lovely BUT only when it is not someone chewing the face of another, or hands in places. There are children about, as well as me. Okay rants over…… Well, mini ranting anyway.
I’ve been trying to build up Curvy Girl on Facebook again, posting inspirational pictures, sharing great stories and news as and when I find it and I love that my things get shared, but I’ve no idea how to get the ‘fans‘ of the page to be more communicative with me! Do I have to offer prizes and competitions to get people to respond to me? I’m not really a massive fan of this idea to be honest, mainly because this is more about me sharing my life experiences with you all. As you may have noticed my interest in all things psychic, new age, pagan and spiritual has moved up a notch, in a good way. I’m not a fortune teller, nor am I going to claim I am able to pass messages on, I’d love to do that but unfortunately I need to develop my skills a bit more before any of that can happen. I’m learning about past lives and general psychic behaviour at the moment and there is a lot of information out there to absorb, if only this was as easy as absorbing extra calories or putting on the lb’s I reckon I’d be a mastermind by now ;-) I have a new interest that is filling my time pending the surgery required on my back and leg following my mad fall down the stairs 18 months ago.
I’d just started a new job, 2 weeks in when I was returning from my break (20 minutes) and I slipped down the stairs on my leg and back causing serious damage to myself. Now, I was working at a Doctor’s surgery and I had 2 Doctor’s rush to help me, in addition to the fact that the waiting room was completely filled to the brim. EMBARRASSED does not cover what I felt, trust me. I’m reliably informed that my size aided me in that if I hadn’t been the size I was I probably would have broken something, however, if I wasn’t the size I was perhaps the fall wouldn’t have been quite so tough on me. I was off work for 2 weeks as I wasn’t able to walk then I discovered that I’d actually also obtained 2 maybe 3 prolapsed discs in my spin which hasn’t been easy to gain control of. I’ve been on umpteen medications and it appears an epidural is the next step which I am currently waiting for. I’m also attending surgery for my leg in an attempt to get that fixed from flaring up with painful phlebitis… I’m basically a mess…. Onwards and upwards, cracking on and pretending that all is okay is allowed until the cracks begin to show again.
Still, I’ve lost MORE weight over the last week or so and have lost a total of 1.5 stones. I’m due to attend the gym on Friday morning for a review where all my measurements will be retaken and we establish what I may or may not have lost, however my scales show a loss of 1.5 stones and my jeans need a belt and I know I need at least one size smaller, dare I venture out and purchase some new ones?? Also, I’ve been told that H&M are now offering more in terms of a plus size range. I’ve not managed to venture into a store to try any of it on but I have looked online and it looks like an alright mixture to me, it’s just a sizing thing. All shops provide different sizes, in one shop I’m a 16 (I LOVE shopping here!) in others I can be the biggest of a 20 but only because the sizes are THAT teeny. I know a friend who is a size 12 and she had to purchase a size 16 the other day, so it’s not always out fault that we are buying these sizes, it’s a simple case of no generic sizing guidelines to follow!
Back to spiritual stuff… I had an aura cleansing ritual carried out and it was quite simply one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had. The lady did not touch me she simply walked around me and was able to tell me about the pains I was having and about the anxiety I was suffering with, she asked if I would like her to remove that which of course I agreed to. Now, this could be a mind over matter thing, or it genuinely worked, however I’ve not felt so anxious or worked up if anything I’ve felt so much more relaxed and lighter it’s been quite a treat. My right side was about the physical me whereas the the left side was my spiritual, this was partially blocked but it wasn’t clear as to why. Upon clearing it I was able to make a connection to my deceased mother which was nice. Now I know some people are cynical about this kind of thing but I’d like to think this was possible, for example some of the words used were ones I had used EXACTLY to describe somebody, now how would she know that unless a spirit knew that? It’s an odd one, whilst I accept the possibilities of all this being possible I do still feel quite a lot of doubt overwhelming me. There is one young lady that goes to my psychic circle and for some reason wherever she is depending on what side of us is near the other we both get a chill on the same side, we often feel the same kinds of pain together and often feel the same things. I’ve not met this girl before I began attending this development Circle but we get on like a house on fire, it’s brilliant. She is brilliant actually. We have plans to meet up for lunch, she’s an absolute sweetheart, really down to earth and fun. She seems to have had it a bit rough with work and stuff but that’s all fine as she is just brilliant.
I’ve loved being able to meet new people and learn new skills from others, having had such a bad time of it with the people I’m meant to feel the most confident around trust has been a massive issue. But how many times do I have to be told “you’re lovely”, “you’re so friendly”, “you’re so kind” before I actually start to believe it? It’s so much easier to believe all the negative being said that when you hear these nicer things how can you possibly just simply accept them for what they are? I know hearing negative is easier simply because that’s become ‘normal’ for me so perhaps it is time to change my own opinions, start listening to all these nice things and just be myself, size 18 and all that I am. My dress size and my weight are merely numbers that I have in my life like my age, date of birth and door number. I am more than numbers, I am me, I am that size 18 girl that tries to make my hair look perfect, that loves to paint her nails all different colours and try to wear bright pink lipstick! I’m the girl that will do her best to make others smile even when I am having the worst day ever simply because I feel like rubbish and just want to cry because I’m having a ‘fat day’. I’m the girl you can call on whenever you fell down and I will be there to pick you up, I will be there to go out with for lunch or dinner or just for a walk around some stores watching you work your way through the sale rack in Next or Dorothy Perkins without a thought whatsoever. That’s just who I am and I really hope that one day some one other than those closest to me will realise that I am a person and calling me fat will mean I spend the next 7 days feeling awful about myself and wanting nothing more to do with the outside world, words hurt but me smiling at you because you called me fat as you are feeling rubbish about YOU will be my triumph in the end.
Still, there will always be a mountain to climb and a place to explore and as long as I try to remain focused and thinking that I will be the better person in the end, I might eventually get to the end of my journey after all. Wherever that might be.
In the mean time my lovelies, enjoy. Please keep safe and remember words hurt but your response to those words will show that you are stronger in the end!
Signing off for tonight. CG xxx